![]() You can slowly start to think and act differently, you can validate your feelings and needs, and be more of your true self. You are, however, the only one who can start to change them. Again, therapy and support groups are good places to begin because sharing honestly is encouraged and theres no expectation that youre fine all the time.Īnd finally, please know that youre not the only one struggling with these issues and you didnt cause them. If no one in your life feels safe, you can set a goal to develop a relationship where you feel safe to share more honestly. Next, identify one safe person to be more authentic with. Again, rather than trying to change how you feel, be curious about why youre feeling a particular way or what your feelings are trying to tell you. You might think of your feelings as messengers that are delivering helpful insights. Remember that feelings arent good or bad, so try not to judge them. Try to be interested in how youre feeling rather than immediately pushing your feelings away. You can do this through journaling and naming your feelings. So, even if youre not ready to share your true feelings or experiences with others, try to acknowledge them yourself. Moving out of denial can start with being more honest with yourself. A therapist or sponsor can provide valuable support when difficult feelings come up and gently challenge your denial if you get stuck. ![]() But if were going to truly feel better and create more authentic and satisfying relationships, we have to acknowledge that were not fine, that we are struggling, hurt, afraid, or angry, and that we have unmet needs. If youve been denying your feelings and problems for years, its not easy to start digging into the messy stuff beneath the surface. We also deny our problems and feelings because theyre overwhelming, we dont know what to do with our feelings or how to solve our problems, so we try to ignore them. It feels safer to pretend were fine and be a dependable, cheerful friend or an easy-going daughter-in-law who never complains. A history of dysfunctional relationships and fragile self-esteem has led us to believe that people wont like us (and perhaps theyll abandon or reject us) if we ask for too much or have complicated feelings. Again, we dont want to be difficult (that might lead to a conflict) and we dont want to be a burden or need anything because that might drive people away. Related to this is our desire to be easy going or low maintenance. When this happens repeatedly, we learn that we shouldnt ask for anything because no one cares about our needs and they wont be met. Again, you may have been punished when you asked for something or your needs may have been ignored. You also may have learned in childhood that you shouldnt need anything. So, you may say, Im fine because you really dont know how you feel. And after years of suppressing and numbing your feelings, you may not even be aware of them. Or if you had a parent who was deeply depressed, you may be unconsciously compelled to avoid your own feelings of sadness, grief, or hopelessness. ![]() For example, if you had a parent who raged, you may be afraid of anger and want to avoid being angry or angering others. Many of us also grew up with parents who couldnt regulate their own emotions. As a result, we learned to suppress our feelings and to numb them with food or alcohol or other compulsive behaviors. We were told to stop crying or we were punished when we expressed our feelings, or our feelings were ignored. Most of us grew up in families where we werent allowed to be angry or sad. In general, codependents are uncomfortable with emotions. We also use Im fine to shield ourselves from painful feelings. ![]() Sharing our true feelings or opinions might cause someone to get angry with us and thats scary or at least uncomfortable. We pretend to be fine to avoid conflicts. So, why do we deny our problems or pretend to be okay? Often, the longer we try to ignore things, the bigger the problems become. However, we all know that avoidance isnt a good long-term strategy. It seems easier to avoid certain problems, traumatic memories, and difficult feelings. We want others to think everything is working out great for us because were afraid of the shame, embarrassment, and judgment that might come if people knew the truth (that were struggling, our lives are unmanageable, our loved ones are troubled, that were not perfect, etc.).Īnd if we acknowledge our problems to others, we have to face them and admit to ourselves that were not happy, our lives arent perfect, or we need help.ĭenial is understandable. Its the image we want to present to the rest of the world. Pretending that we dont have any problems, difficult emotions, or conflicts is a facade. When we say, Im fine or Everythings fine, we’re denying our true feelings and experiences we’re hoping to convince ourselves and others that everything really is okay.
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